I'm on the pursuit of happiness and I know, everything that shine ain't always gonna be gold....

This Kid Cudi song makes so much sense to me right now:

Crush a bit, little bit, roll it up, take a hit
Feelin’ lit feelin’ light, 2 am summer night.
I don't care, hand on the wheel, drivin drunk, I'm doin’ my thing
Rollin the Midwest side and out livin’ my life getting’ out dreams
People told me slow my road I'm screaming out fuck that
Imma do just what I want lookin’ ahead no turnin’ back
if I fall if I die know I lived it to the fullest
if I fall if I die know I lived and missed some bullets

I'm on the pursuit of happiness and I know everything that shine ain't always gonna be gold
I'll be fine once I get it, I'll be good.

Tell me what you know about dreamin’ dreamin’
you don't really know about nothin’ nothin’
tell me what you know about them night terrors every night
5 am, cold sweats wakin’ up to the skies
tell me what you know about dreams, dreams
tell me what you know about night terrors, nothin’
you don't really care about the trials of tomorrow
rather lay awake in a bed full of sorrow

I'm on the pursuit of happiness and I know everything that shines ain't always gonna be gold
I'll be fine once I get it, I'll be good

My fucking AMAZING friends back home made me a video today to cheer me up. It brought a tear to my eye and a smile to my face. I fucking love them so much and I miss them more than anything. I'm still having a tough time here and I've definitely been having my ups and downs. This is without a doubt a learning experience for me, I'm learning to cope with the low times. The last few years I've been the happiest of happy people, I had the whole world in my hands, I felt.... wait I KNEW that I could do whatever I wanted, I could have whatever I wanted. I was unstoppable. I had an enviable life. I busted my ass to get where I was and I was happy. I never realized it till now how good I had it. Although it lacked adventure (some would argue this) so now here I am, living in Turkey, sad. But I asked for this, and I was given this opportunity for a reason. I WANTED this, I CHOSE this so now I have to live with it. I'm not going to take the easy way out, I'm not ready to give up. I have Can't Stop Won't Stop TATTOOED on my wrists for a reason. It's gotten me this far in my mere 24 nearly 25 years on this planet and it's going to get me even further in the next 25 years to come.

FUCK YOU WORLD FOR TRYING TO DRAG ME DOWN.

I'm going to kick the shit out of this life and have the most amazing time doing it. I'm on the pursuit of happiness and I know, everything that shine ain't always gonna be gold. Damn Cudi, you're brilliant.

Maybe this time I'll be bulletproof....

10 weeks in.

I've been in Turkey for 10 weeks and I've been part of Jet Set Zero for 10 weeks. I spend 9 hours a day in a travel agency, I make $4 an hour.

Life is not hard, but it's so much easier in Canada.

I miss my bed, I miss Kwyjibo, I miss my boy, I miss my family and I miss my friends. Last time I left home, I was gone for 4 months. Last time I straight vacationed and I had a pile of money and I knew when I was going to be home and I didn't miss home at all. I'm having a much harder time this time around. Could also be because Istanbul isn't that cool. It is to visit for a week or something, but to be here for 2 and a half months with 2 more to go... it's a little much.

I just want to cry. I haven't felt this shitty about life in a long time. It's funny because I wanted to leave Canada to experience the world and now here I am and I hate it. I'm not ready to give up yet though. This is only the first destination, I know there are beautiful things in the world to see, unfortunately they're not in Istanbul.

For the first time in my life I'm just going through the motions of life. This is what I never understood about people back home, how they just go through the motions and accept it. And here I am, 15,000kms away from home going through the motions.

How is it possible that this is the worst I've felt in years now that I'm finally living my dream?

I've got some scattered pictures lying on my bedroom floor, reminds me of the times we shared....

The following is a list of celebrities I hate:

Chad Kroeger
The cast of the Hills
The stupid bitch from the Rogers commercial (I know she's not a celebrity but she annoys the fuck outta me)
Inspector Gadget
Most of the Calgary Flames

That is all.

These steps I take don't get me anywhere, I'm only getting further from myself...

My have a headache like nobody's business.
I quit my job today.
16 days and I'm out of here.

I also messed up my right knee on Saturday doing some extreme(?) trampolining.
What perfect timing, right before departure.

I'm leaving on a jet plane..... I don't know when I'll be back again....

A million thoughts are racing through my head right now. It's 2:17 am and I have to be at work in the morning and I can't sleep. It's official. I have been chosen to join the cast of Jet Set Zero. I am leaving next month for an undetermined period of time to travel the world. Excitement and fears are all racing through my veins right now. Everything I've dreamed about for so long is finally going to happen and in a way I never though would happen. I'm going to have my entire expedition filmed. I'm trippin out right now.

Check it out.... www.jetsetzero.tv

The rhythm of my heart is beating like a drum, with the words 'I love you' rolling off my tongue....

I guess we can put another one into the failed column....
I've been hurt and disrespected. You've treated me as if I don't have a heart or soul. You've made me your pet and you can go and get fucked.

There is a song for every situation:

"All you did is wreck my bed, and in the morning kicked me in the head.... You've made a first class fool out of me, but I'm as blind as a girl can be, you stole my heart but I love you anyways...."

"I don't like you, but I love you, seems that I'm always thinking of you, oh oh oh you treat me badly, I love you madly, you've really got a hold on me....."

I can only make excuses for so long.

I also forgot how awesome Rod Stewart is.

I'm just gonna take a minute to let it ride, I'm just gonna take a minute to let it breeze....

Fuck you you fucking self righteous piece of shit. Who the fuck do you think you are? Get off your fucking high horse. You're not helping me, you're not my fucking hero, you make my life a pain in the ass. Fucking grow up. I DON'T NEED YOU.

Go give yourself a pat on the back if it makes you feel important.

Fuck you.

When I get older, I will be stronger, they'll call me freedom....

Why is honesty such a difficult concept? Are people scared I'm going to rip them to shreds? I'm more likely to track down a bullshitter and rip them to shreds then someone who will come to me, look me in the eye and tell it to me like it is.

Over and over again, I don't appreciate dishonesty and I don't appreciate avoidance. Say it to my face.

Listen to K'Naan.

You're hot and you're cold, you're yes and you're no....

You know your life is going downhill when you can relate to a Katy Perry song.

WELCOME TO MY LIFE. Fantastic.

Flow sweetly, hang heavy...... you suddenly complete me....

It's amazing how people find each other. I have the most ridiculous and wonderful group of friends. We all just fit together like a puzzle, there is so much dysfunction that it just seems to work. I truly love you guys.

To this day I still have no regrets, through all the ridiculous tattoos and bad boyfriends I wouldn't change a damn thing. I think if I ever in my life have a regret, it's going to be not trying something. I never want to look back at a place in time and think "why did I chicken out? Why didn't I just do it?" So far I haven't had that thought yet because I've done absolutely everything that I had a chance at. You never know until you try. Take a chance on the unknown, you may find something beautiful.

Lovin the new Yeah Yeah Yeah's album "It's Blitz." Get it.

I'm handing over everything that I've got cuz I wanna have a really true love, don't ever want to have to give you up...

I am so sick and it sucks. I remember bugging one of my friends who vowed he would be single for his entire life. I remember telling him, 'one day you'll find some lovely little lady who will bring you chicken soup when you're sick and you'll fall madly in love.' He used to laugh at me, and he's now with a very lovely lady who I'm sure does in fact bring him chicken soup when he's sick.

I'm sick now and there's nobody bringing me chicken soup. I've been laying in my own pool of sweat for days now.... attractive I know....

Nothing can stop these lonely tears from falling, tell me baby, where did I go wrong?

Isn't wisdom supposed to come with age?
Then how do I manage to fuck this shit up each and every single time? I've unintentionally developed a skill in order to fuck myself over on a regular basis. And I wonder why I feel this heavy heart.

I would hold you up again if you asked me....

I should stop fighting the things that I crave deep down inside. My independent side has blocked the dependent side. Good thing? Bad thing? Who knows?

Love is a beautiful thing....

Somebody tell me why I'm so tired I could cry....

I hit up a Starbucks today for a tea and I noticed the side of the cup had a thing called "The Way I See It" and it went something like this.....

"The irony of commitment is that it’s deeply liberating – in work, in play, in love. The act frees you from the tyranny of your internal critic, from the fear that likes to dress itself up and parade around as rational hesitation. To commit is to remove your head as the barrier to your life."
- Anne Morriss

I hate this. I hate this a lot actually. It's fuckin bullshit. So to commit and fall into a simplistic routine of life is bliss? This is what life should be? To remove thought, doubt, hesitation and fear of the unknown is good? Hey Anne Morriss, why don't you just get your ass thrown in jail? Would that be liberating? You would never have to make another decision or have another thought for the rest of your life. And I'm not saying committment is necessarily bad, but it sounds as though she feels committment is great for all the wrong reasons. Ugh, this is enough to make me never want to go to Starbucks ever again. I don't even want to come across such a retarded thought first thing in the morning when I have my tea.....

Some girl tried to justify to me that it is ok to spend $14,000 on a diamond encrusted Gucci watch as long as you really like it. ARE YOU SERIOUS? That is pure greed at it's worst. What is the purpose of such an extravagant item? Oh yeah.... to impress other pretentious jerks that only care about how they look to the outside world. Do the diamonds help you tell time a little better? Does 3pm look better coming off a Gucci face? I want to vomit. This is what our world has become. What a fantastic era to be living in. And we wonder why there are so many people starving and dying in this world..... because we're too fucking selfish to give up our diamond encrusted Gucci watches. What a depressing thought. Sorry if I'm bringing you down, but these are the things that make me sad....

M83 is beautiful.

We kill what we build because we own the sky....

Why is this world so heartbreaking in every way possible?
Where do we draw the line?
When is it ever enough?
Still waiting for all the answers.....

All you gotta do it fall in love.... all you gotta do is fall in love with me.....

My heart aches. I'm not really sure how to fix this. I miss the days we used to spend together. I miss you so much. It's been months but here I am still wondering what the hell happened? Trying to understand but I can't, you've given me no clarity. Everything was perfect.

All Youve Got To Do Is Fall In Love - Benji Hughes

Why am I so blind with my eyes wide open?

It's funny how dependent I've become on the shred. I didn't ride all weekend and I pretty much sat around all bummed out wishing I was on a snowy mountain somewhere. It's like a drug.

I think I've realized why I'm so perfectly ok with being single. Being single is easy. Being in a relationship is hard and either I'm not ready to deal with it or I'm just plain lazy, I'm not sure. I always say I'm single because nobody is interested, and perhaps I'm being a cocky pile of crap but that's not true either. I sat alone in my room today not shradding and I could just hear my phone beeping, texts from dudes that actually want to spend time with me...... weird, I know. But I find myself most attracted to men I can't have, and I don't mean married dudes or anything like that. I mean men that are emotionally and mentally unstable to some degree. So in short, crazy dudes. But why is this? Well if I can't have them then I never have to deal with the stresses that come with being with someone and the potential heartbreak. I've had my heart broken before and I can't say I'm a fan. I think I've just become concious of this. It's actually pretty fucked up. There are some very very sweet dudes that are fairly interested in me I suppose, good looking wonderful dudes. But I'm far from interested. Or maybe I'm crazy and I'm trying to find some excuse as to why I wouldn't want to be with such wonderful people. Or maybe my tired brain is finally starting to lose it.

I love the song Revival by Soulsavers. I first heard it in "That's It That's All" and everytime I hear it I think of Travis Rice and shredtastic shreddies. But it's a beautiful song, check it out.

I'm feeling rough, I'm feeling raw, I'm in the prime of my life...

It's snowing like a motherfucker.
20 more cms at Revelstoke tomorrow night.
I hope we make it.
FRESHIES ON SATURDAY!
I'm a happy kid.

You need to find yourself as honest as can be....

In the past few days, it is impossible to pick up a newspaper or turn on the tv without hearing about the shootings that have been taking place in this city of ours. I've been reading countless articles and opinions about gangs and gang related violence. I hate how stupid fucking criminology students think they understand the inner workings of being in a gang without ever being in one. I keep reading that the reasoning behind joining a gang is for protection, I think it's more to be affiliated with power. What do you need protection from if you're just a nobody? However, joining a well established gang and running the fucking city gives one a sense of power, once that notoriety is gained then perhaps protection is needed. Maybe I'm wrong too, I've never been in a gang, yet I never claimed to be right.

In all honesty, it's sad when you hear about an innocent bystander being shot but at the same time do I really give a fuck about gang wars? No..... if these people want to run around and shoot each other go right the fuck ahead. Do I feel less safe? No.... I have no affiliation with these people and these killings are very specific. Unfortunately there have been a couple of cases of being in the wrong place at the wrong time, but am I constantly looking around in fear hoping I won't get shot? Fuck no. It's funny how people being interviewed blow shit out of proportion. "OH MY GOD, I'm terrified to walk from work to my apartment downtown because I might get shot!" Calm down people, I think the majority of you will be ok.

What the fuck is this "The City" show? As if the Hills wasn't bad enough, why is it necessary for a spin off? WHO REALLY CARES? Come on people, read a fucking book.

Like stars burning holes right through the dark you gave fire like saltwater into my eyes ...

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!

I am in the biggest state of lazy. Maybe because it's so damn cold out.... other than going snowboarding, I really don't want to leave the house. It's so warm and cozy in here and I've recently rekindled my love affair with the old xbox.

I am in a pure state of relaxation, life is good.

Are big shoulder pads making a comeback that I'm not aware of?