Have you ever heard of some shit so real? Beyond from the heart, from the soul you can feel...

The snowboard season has been in session for a month now. Life is good. I'm finished school forever (providing I passed my last few classes).

It's mid December already, I was planning to have my debt paid off by the end of the month. I'm not even close. My multi year fuck off excursion that I had planned for June may have to wait. Can I do another full season working for an employer in which I question their motives? I think most people do.... they just accept shit for what it is instead of trying to make a difference. Perhaps I am too much of an idealist, always looking to change the world and the mindset of the people living in it, to one of positivity and love and not of greed and hate. We've been given so much in this world and opportunity at every turn.

My wordly adventure may still have to wait. *sigh*

Loving The Prayer by Kid Cudi

He broke your heart, he took your soul, you're hurt inside, because there's a hole......

I went and saw Lenny Kravitz on Saturday night, what a beautiful fucking man, not to mention it was an amazing show.

Congrats to the states for not fucking up another election.

I was thinking about a guy I dated last year before I went away to Australia and I think I hate him. I don't want to hate him but I think I do. He didn't break my heart, but he made me feel like shit. I hate that I hate him. I don't ever want to hate anyone and I'm trying to figure out how to forgive him for making me feel this way. I'm sure he doesn't give a fuck how he's affected me, I'm sure he's in Vancouver right now ripping out the souls of others and stomping on them. I've been told I don't need to forgive, just forget. But can we ever forget without forgiving? I'm having a hard time making peace with this.

At least it snowed today.

I'm still searching for my paradise.

He's got the kind of love I need, the kind that's never good on me...

I saw Bob Dylan last night. He is so old and so rad. He sang mostly I'm guessing newer blues stuff. Unfortunately I didn't recognize most of it, he didn't play the songs that made him Bob Dylan, but I suppose after 40 some odd years I wouldn't want to perform them anymore either. But either way, he is still awesome and I still love him.

Oh boys, boys and more boys. It's always the same story. Stop boring me, much appreciated.

Listen to the Black Keys.

I think I'm a little bit in love with you... but only if you're a little bit in love with me...

While at school today, I was telling a couple of people about my weekend excursion to Red Deer and how I got kicked out of two bars in less than 10 minutes. One guy asked me why I was so pissed about it, and whether or not I had a shitty childhood and was really mistreated. No.... I can't say that I did or have been. How can one not be frustrated with the way society is these days? We all just kind of accept it, no matter how bad it is, we all turn a blind eye.
If I had gone into either of those bars with a low cut, midriff bearing shirt with the word "whore" written across it would anyone have questioned the way I was dressed? Probably not. Not that I'm offended by that, I think it's retarded, but I think it would be more likely that someone would be more offended by that then me wearing the hood of my hoodie up. I just hate how a girl can go into a bar looking like a trashy piece of shit and get royalty treatment, but if I go in wearing a tshirt and hoodie I get kicked out. Hmmmm..... interesting isn't it?
My question is how come a stupid, scandalous girl gets treated better than me? What is wrong with this society? What is this girl contributing to the world other than the furthering the sterotype that it's ok to expect everything to be handed to you because your tits are falling out? I'm pretty sure that I make a greater worldly contribution in a day then any of these girls can make in their entire lifetime. I hate these people that look down on me because I don't spend 6 hours getting my hair and makeup done everyday. I just don't care. I don't want to be friends with people who are only going to like me because I'm hot and can look down on those less hot. I've been there, I wanted to be that "hot" girl at one point in my life. I spent time on my hair and tried to look like a whore for attention, but then I stopped and looked at myself in the mirror and realized that this was not the person I am. I have busted my ass off for everything I have in this world and I can look at myself and be proud of that. I love who I am today. I will never take shit from anyone and I will always stand up for myself and I can be proud of what I have become and the person I am. The friends I have love me because I'm a ball busting, tough as nails asshole who won't hesitate to rip you apart when you deserve it.
I'm not a parent, but I can't imagine if I had a kid. I would never want to send them to school out of fear that other kids will make fun of them if they're not the prettiest girl or handsomest boy in school. Or worse, I don't want to have that kid that makes fun of the other kids because of how they look or dress.

My heart is slightly bruised again..... but it's still beating so I think it means I'll be ok. One day, I'll find an honest boy..... one day. But at the same time, I want to leave in 7 months, I don't want to fall in love and not go on my trip because I don't want to leave some boy behind. I have this dream where I wake up alone in a tent, get out of my tent and sit on the beach in my own quiet solitude and watch the sun rise. I try to imagine the same scenario with a dude sitting next to me, but it feels wrong. I don't know if it's because I haven't met anyone worthy of that time spent with me, or if I just truly don't want to be part of a twosome right now.

Lovin Lykke Li.

I don't want to be the one making all the noise...

It's 1 am and I'm sitting in my hotel room in Red Deer. I just got myself kicked out of 2 bars, Bellini and Billy Bob's, within the span of about 5 minutes. Once again, the same reason why I get kicked out of bullshit bars in Calgary. I refuse to give in to the dress code. Once again, my hoodie is a problem. How does it make sense that everyone can wear hats and I can't wear my hood? Well of course I'm not about to sit back and take that shit, so naturally I told the bouncer at Bellini what's up, so I left, then we thought we'd go next door to Billy Bob's. I barely got in the door before I got into the bouncer there. The asshole was wearing a cowboy hat and jeans tighter than fuck, but he's allowed to look like a piece of shit and I can't wear my fucking hoodie. FUCK THAT NOISE. This is fucking Red Deer. As if this bullshit isn't bad enough in Calgary, it's spread to little buttfuck towns that want to be the big city. What happened to having a good time for the sake of having a good time. Neither of these bouncers could even give me a good reason as to why I couldn't wear my hood up. They all kept repeating..."It's the dress code..." What the hell? I can't understand it. Fuck this shit. Whatever, I rather hang out in my hotel room listening to some Ting Tings and Stanton Warriors that be out there clenching my fists and biting my tongue and not wearing my hoodie. I WILL NOT TAKE BULLSHIT FROM ANYONE. I refuse to give in to stupid bullshit. It's easy though, those bars are clearly not a good match for me. They don't like me and I don't like them, end of story, I don't need to be there. I don't want to be the one always starting all the shit, but I can't sit there and take it. Evern though most of you may believe it's not a big deal and it's petty, it's not to me. I don't like being told what I can and cannot do by a bunch of pretentious dicks.
DAMN THE MAN!

It's time to leave this town, it's time to steal away.... lets go get lost....

Today I went to KFC (I know, gross but so good at the same time) and there was this woman who was in line in front of me, from the moment she stepped foot into this fine(?) establishment, she was clearly disgruntled, she placed her order and waited. For some reason, chicken took nearly half an hour, I could see her out of the corner of my eye getting progressively pissed over the course of this 30 or so minutes. She starts flippin out on her kids who weren't even being bad, they were just having a couple of laughs amongst themselves. Finally, this woman gets her food, but she starts flippin out on the dude working there asking what took so long, telling them this was unacceptable and just losing it on the unfortunate staff of KFC. I nearly intervened, and yes, I've been told time and time again to mind my own business. I just didn't understand this situation though, understandable, it is frustrating to be waiting that long at a fast food joint. However, yelling isn't going to make the chicken cook faster, shouldn't she be glad that they are ensuring that the chicken her two young children are about to consume is fully cooked? People like that need to learn some patience and understanding. I am nearly 100% confident that the staff at KFC did not sit there for 22 minutes before deciding to cook the damn chicken. LADY, IT WILL COME WHEN IT'S READY! I just hate people who flip out on other people for things that are not necessarily in their control. Just think about that next time you yell at someone working in the service industry, it sucks so please be nice. To be fair sometimes it is the person helping you out that is being a dick, then by all means, fair game. But if they're nice and things are out of their control please don't be an asshole.

I saw Steve Aoki last night, absolutely amazing. I also got fairly wasted for the first time in a long time. I remember why I broke up with Jack Daniels ages ago.

Where I go, I just don't know... I might end up somewhere in Mexico....

I've had a very long exhausting week.
I just want a hug.
A nice warm loving hug from nice warm loving lover.

...And the DJ put on our favourite song, and we danced beneath the lights...

I just hate being lied to.
Where have all the real people gone?
I need someone genuine.
I hate people who can't get their shit together so they ride on my coat tails and end up fucking me over in the end.
Talk is cheap. It always has been and it always will be.
I love the fact that you truly believe that you're not like the "rest of them" but you are. In fact you may be worse....
Actions speak louder than words, and your actions are not in line with your words.
Please don't waste anymore of my time.
You're done.

You disappeared, and now my eyes are filled with tears and I'm wishing you were here with me....

I've been bitching a lot lately. I've been bitching about how much I want to leave and get started travelling. I've been such a hypocrite, I always preach how you need to make the best of any situation and take life one day at a time. Here I am begging for the days to pass so I can be on my way. I'm not saying there's anything wrong with looking forward to something and being excited for it. However, I'm not enjoying THIS moment. I'm not living in this moment, and I'm not living each day as it comes. I'm anticipating the passing of this moment. I'm going to start making the best of this situation. I have some amazing friends and I've had some amazing experiences here so I should make the most of it because I'm sure I'm going to miss it to some extent once I'm having my worldwide adventure. I'm going to erase these negative feelings I've been feeling... tomorrow is a new day and I'm going to get back to my positive attitude. Besides, the snow will soon fall and I'll be shredding the gnar like nobody's business on my new Rome Vinyl. STOKED.

The other day I was at Eastside Mario's and Sukiyaki by 4PM came on and I completely forgot had rad this song is. I managed to track down the original Japanese version as well by Kyu Sakamoto, it's so good. Get it if you can find it!

We think you're a joke, shove your,..... where it don't shine....

Does anyone else have a strong desire to go up to a random stranger, shake their hand and congratulate them on officially being the biggest douchebag ever? I hate this city, it's full of pretentious pricks. HATE IT HATE IT HATE IT.

I wish it was either November, because then I could go snowboarding, or that it was May and I was enroute to Thailand or a country in that area.

I need a second job.... even though I know it's going to be a guarantee burnout, I'll be laughing this time next year when I'm surfing in Bali? Possibly? Or living in a treehouse in Laos? Living in a tent on a beach on some Thai island? Who the hell knows, all I know is that I won't be here in oil rich Alberta, or to some the promised land? The only thing that is promised here is guarantees of douchebaggery.

If you're a painter, please paint me a skate deck. I would love that thanks.

Does anyone else ever wonder if Billy Ray Cyrus is a dick in real life? My guess is yes.

Got no need for the fancy things, all the attention that it brings...

This is where I want to be........
I appreciate my TRUE friends a little more each and everyday. Fuck you to the assholes who pretend to be my friend. Fuck you to the people who will sell you down the river in a heartbeat for their own selfish reasons. Fuck you to all the people that I've been there for in the past but couldn't do the same for me. Fuck you to all the people that I've trusted only to prove that they are the ones who breed mistrust. Fuck you to all the insincere people. I'm done with all of you, what good have you done me other than cause me stress and heartbreak. These are people that I once truly cared about, people I would call my family. FUCK YOU ASSHOLES. If this is what our 'friendship' means to you then I rather not be a part.
CUT CUT CUT CUT CUT CUT CUT CUT CUT CUT CUT CUT CUT CUT CUT
Fresh start.
See you fuckers later.

On the bright side, I got a pair of tickets to see Bob Dylan, row 2o suckas! Aoki is back in two weeks, STOKED.

Listen to Santogold.

You know that I could use somebody, someone like you and all you know and how you see...

I really could use somebody.... someone to be my guru. I need to stop trusting all the wrong people, those who are not going to be there for me when I need it.

Why do I love toxic people so much? I'm such a sucker for a cute boy. I can't understand the hot and cold. Either you want me or you don't, make up your fucking mind because I'm not getting any younger. Why do you say things that you don't mean??? I value honesty above all, I love people who are not full of shit and let me know what's up. I hate games....especially the guessing ones (except Guess Who because that game is awesome). I don't appreciate being kept on a leash. FUCK YOU.

FUCK EVERYTHING. I only have one life and I'm going to live it my way.

I can't wait to frolick in the woods with my scotch and my nunchuks. I'm totally going to fight a bear.

Said I want you, just exactly like I used to, and baby this is only bringin me down...

I love how girls think I have some special power over men.... that I can convince them to do whatever I want. Ladies, I got nothing. I can't make him love you, I don't know voodoo nor can I insert subliminal messages in his brain while he sleeps. I will not be the one to tell him that he's making a mistake, I will not try to convince him to be with you. None of this should be necessary, if he wants you he'll be with you. My male friends come to me for advice because they know I'm not going to spew some bullshit, I'm going to be straight up. Listen to your gut, that's all you can do. I can never ever tell anyone what to do because I don't know what is right for them and what is wrong from them. I've learned this through experience. To this day, people still try to tell me what is right for me. Nobody can decide that but me, nobody knows exactly what I'm thinking, feeling or wanting. Hell, even I don't know sometimes.

Right now I know I want something else.

Right now, I wish I was in the woods, in quiet serenity, with a tent and a giant fuck off fire and a scotch on the rocks. I don't know why I'm suddenly craving scotch when I no longer drink.... but damnit, I want one.

Listen to the new Kings of Leon..... it's a beautiful album, you'll probably thank me later.

I've got so much love to give....

So my best friend in the entire world, M, is super pissed off at me right now. The reason? My friend R and I are getting married on Tuesday..... it's a sham wedding so he can get my spouse pass at work. Because I used to work with him and everyone knows us, they know that we're not really a couple, however, if we have a wedding certificate then he can get this stupid pass and we can have our sham wedding annulled. My bestest thinks that I'm making a very very stupid mistake and that I'm going to regret it. Why would I regret it though? Who gives a shit? M told me I clearly did not value marriage and that I shouldn't fuck around with things like that, as if it's the occult. This isn't a real wedding and it's not a real marriage, R and I are going to city hall, we're going to sign some papers, then we'll go to work and he'll get his spouse pass, then we'll sign some more papers to state that this marriage never happened. It's all just paperwork and the only person getting hurt at the end of the day is work. PAPERWORK.

What is a marriage anyways? Does it mean you love the person more just because you signed some papers and had a big party? None of this shit matters. The only thing that matters at the end of the day is how you feel about the other person, how much you love them and the love you share. I'm not sure who ever invented marriage but it isn't and never has really been about love as it's believed to be. It's about legalities. If one day you are lucky enough to meet someone that you want to spend the rest of your life with why is it so important to get married? Marriage can also end in divorce. Marriage is a way to screw your partner in case you ever decide to get divorced.

I may be taking this whole marriage thing lightly, but I don't take love lightly. I will not give my heart away to someone undeserving. I've said it time and time again, I rather be single forever then be with the wrong person for the rest of my life.

Anyways, so that is why M is so pissed at me right now. This whole thing was supposed to be a joke but I've already been reamed out by two of my friends. WHO CARES??? Right now, I'm bummed about a lot of other things going on. My sunny disposition isn't so sunny right now. All I need are my friends by my side, I need someone to help remind me of the wonderful things in life that I love so much. Right now, I feel as though I'm constantly surrounded by assholes and bullshit and the last thing I need is get bitched out by one my favourite people in the world over some ridiculous sham wedding.

I'm also starting to think the boy I have a crush on may not have a crush on me.....

I am desperately seeking peace, not necessarily within myself but with the universe. Please stop fucking with me and show me the beautiful things. I think I need to find a tent and go spend a few nights alone in the woods....

Listen to: Ready for the Floor by Hot Chip
I've Got So Much Love by Bastian Bates (or there is also an alternate version done
by DJ Falcon)
I've Been Thinking by Handsome Boy Modeling School feat. Cat Power

Watch: http://www.vimeo.com/1745897
It's not as amazing as the skate video I posted before, but it's a beautiful video none the less.

Your scene doesn't do anything for me, it doesn't do anything at all...

My heart wont' stop beating. It's nearly 3 am and I'm wide awake even though I need to be at work at 8am. I think I'm finally going to do it, I'm packing up my shit and leaving by February. I'm thinking that I'll do a 1 year contract teaching English in Korea then it's off to India to help build schools, then to Thailand to volunteer in an orphanage then I'll see the rest of South East Asia. Malaysia, Laos, Cambodia, Viet Nam, Indonesia, Phillippines, China.... you name it I'll see it. My original plan was to leave in 18 months after the 2010 winter olympics in Vancouver but I don't know if I can wait that long. I wanted to pay off my debt and save $16K and just straight travel. If I do this thing in Korea, my flight is paid for, my accomodation is paid for, plus I'll be making money so I can continue to pay off what I owe. FUCKING GLORIOUS. I thought I would do it alone, but it looks as though J is coming with. I know I don't know him very well, but we seem to be in the same boat and we seem to be in the same mindset. We're both sick of the bullshit that is city life, we both just want to experience all the wonderful things this world has to offer, I think it will work out pretty good. I need a life changing experience, I need to know that there's more to life than working 8-5 and buying a house, buying a car, getting married and having a couple of kids and living a life of routine. I can't do it. I want to live in a tent on a beach and listen to the waves as I fall asleep each night. I want to live in a tree house deep in the jungle and wake up breathing the freshest air I have ever encountered. I just want to get back to the roots of human existence, I want to go somewhere where it doesn't matter how big your house is or how fast your car is or how many Coach purses you own. I just want to be in a place where the only things that matter are happiness, health, love, good food and good company. Perhaps I'm too much of a dreamer or an idealist. All I want to do is find my utopia.

Listen to Matt Mays.

I'm hoping with chance, you might take this dance, you're my number one guy...

So I know I get teased a lot because I've been told I have a bit of a 'hippy mentality.' Everything is sunshine and rainbows. Life is easy and life is beautiful. People have become so fixated on the things that take away from the beauty and simplicity of life. Whatever happened to revelling in the joy of a sunset or a sunrise, or the way the earth smells after a rainstorm? Why is everything in this life a competition? Why is everything about money all the god damn time? Who has the bigger truck, the more expensive jeans and the bigger engagement ring? WHY DOES ANY OF THIS SHIT MATTER?

I got made fun of the other day in class within my group because we had to come up with a business we would like to run and create and vision and a mission for that business. Without hesitation I suggested snowboard shop, they asked what my vision and mission for this shop would be and I said to get people out there loving it as much as I do. The most important thing to me in my mind is to share my love of the mountains. They all laughed and said yeah ok... you can't make money off spreading the love. Who ever said anything about making money? If I can feed myself, cloth myself and have a place to live and wake up everyday loving what I do and if I'm able to get other people as stoked as I am that is the most important thing. There's that hippy mentality coming out I suppose. Is that so wrong? It sounds to me as though they had it right. Why is everything always about money? WHY?

If it was up to me, all I would ever need was good tunes and good company, and I would just want to see the world and enjoy it for what it is. I do not want to spend my time on the other side of the world shopping, I want to enjoy what the land has to offer. It is easy to find the joy in nearly everything if you allow yourself to find it. I'm hearing the calling of far off lands and I'm getting itchy feet again. So many things to see and places to go!!!

I think I'm beginning to realize why so many people are so miserable. They won't let themselves do the things they want to do. A lot of people are holding back all the time. They don't say what they feel and they don't pursue their dreams. They just fall into this pattern of normalacy and routine because it's so much easier. I suppose I am partially guilty of this, but I love the industry I work in. I love getting people stoked about getting out to the mountains. I love people that pour their heart and emotion into what they do. I have a friend who is a photographer and I think he is absolutely amazing because his love for his art really shines through in his work and I think it's awesome. It's like when you hear a song and it just absolutely tugs at your heartstrings because you know the person that wrote that song meant it from the bottom of their heart.

Strip away the bullshit, see things for what they are. Enjoy the simple things.
Instead of getting drunk out of your mind this weekend, just walk through your city or where ever it is you're from and just enjoy what's around you because it won't last forever.

Today I love:
Sleepyhead by Passion Pit
Ready for the Floor by Hot Chip
and this video:
http://www.vimeo.com/1340684?pg=embed&sec=1340684

Let's get this party started right, let's get drunk and freaky fly, you with me so it's alright....

3 blogs in one day? I'm fucking out of control.... it's been a day of thought for me.

I recently encountered someone that told me that you should plan out as much of your life as possible and try to stick to that. Is it just me or is that ridiculous? You can't plan out your whole damn life! Life happens and it will NEVER EVER follow any preset plan. Each day you'll wake up and how can you possibly know what will happen? You might wake up one morning and get hit by a bus on your way to work, that bus driver may turn out to be your long lost dad, and while enjoying your hospital stay the nurse might turn out to be your one true love, and your injuries could be so bad that you'll never snowboard ever again, and because you can't snowboard anymore you take up knitting and become the National Knitting Champion. Highly unlikely but not impossible. Life happens one day at a time, one hour at a time, one minute at a time, one moment at a time. Enjoy that moment. Life is full of surprises, that's what makes it so awesome. I've been through some crazy shit and I've met some crazy assholes (but oh so wonderful at the same time) and I wouldn't change that for a second. What would be the fun if you could plan out your entire life from day one? How could someone live with that sort of predictability and routine. I want to wake up everyday and have something ridiculous happen to me...... some are good and some are bad. For example.... new years this last year, a friend and I decided to drive to Disneyland for New Years, the next morning we packed up his truck and left. We got stopped at the border for nearly 4 hours which delayed us and we ended up in Idaho Falls, the snow started to fall and we lost control of the truck and next thing you know, we're rolling in a ditch and his truck was written off and we were stranded for 5 days. I got a new tattoo, spent a New Years in Boise, Idaho, realized how destructive this friendship was and learned a little something about my tolerance level. I would not trade that experience for the world. I wonder if it would've been more fun if we made it to Disneyland, probably not.... not that this experience was neccessarily really fun....
I'm starting to ramble..... time to throw on a surf video to lull me to bed.
xo

Listen to Justice.

You can slide slide slippity slide, you can hip hop and don't stop, but I'll never be on my knees....

Wow, I'm just a blogging machine today!

I was asked some very interesting questions today. I was asked if I thought relationships should ever be work or if it should just make sense from the start. I pondered this thoughtfully for a second and I think that every relationship is going to need some work simply because nobody is perfect. There are always going to be things that bug you about the other person. Relationships are about understanding and accepting the other person for their little flaws but still loving them unconditionally. However, that being said, the time spent "working" at a relationship should be minimal. I will NEVER compromise who I am to make someone happy, however, I'm sure there are little things that I can work on if they mean a lot to the other person. I have been told in past relationships that I haven't been attentive enough and that is something I never realized at that point. That is not changing who I am, but working at the little things that help keep a relationship strong. If a man ever told me that they didn't like who I was, what I did, what I was about then that relationship is not meant to be. Why get into a relationship with someone if all you do is spend your time trying to change them? It is obvious that you wished you were with someone else. I know that I will never ever try to convince someone as to why they should love me. All I know is I want to look at my other half and think 'hell yeah that's my boy' and be proud as fuck that he's mine and I expect him to think the same of me.

While I was at Zellers today waiting to purchase my new down filled pillows (which I look very forward to sleeping on tonight) I saw a couple in line in front of me with their kids and all I could think about was miserable they seemed together. The woman had a bunch of stuff on the counter, peanut butter, cleaning detergent etc. The man had a case of water and a package of toilet paper. The woman then picks up a loaf of bread and says "you can pay for this too..." and flings it on top of the dude's pile and it hits him in the face. She doesn't say anything.... he didn't look too impressed. It's one of those things where you laugh for acidentally doing that while apologizing. She didn't think anything of it and he just seemed pretty pissed. I have two questions.... the first one is why were they paying for simple household items seperately? Isn't a marriage a joint partnership? Something as simple as a $2 loaf of bread is brought to attention.... is it just me or is that weird? My second question is how did this couple not laugh about her hitting him in the face with a loaf of bread? Then that made me wonder how many people are truly unhappy in their relationships and how many people have settled with someone they only have lukewarm feelings about just because they're scared to be alone? Thoughts like this make me sad....

When I was driving home today I saw the most perfect sunset so I pulled over and stopped to enjoy it. It's the simple things that make life beautiful.

My best friend told me today that he couldn't wait for me to have a child because it would be the raddest kid ever. That really meant a lot to me. However, I'm too selfish and irresponsible to have a child at this point in time.

Life is good.

Wish we'd read the writing on the walls we made around us now baby...

I don't understand how so many words of wisdom seem to pour out of my mouth when other people need me, but when it comes to my own life I can't seem to apply them.

Anyways, a friend called me up yesterday a little stressed because her relationship with her boyfriend is going through a rocky patch. He's stressed out about HER past.... once again, I mentioned this last time, why are people so fixated on things that have already happened? At the end of the day, he has to realize that the woman he is in love with is the woman she is TODAY, and unfortunately a lot of shitty things happened way back and he wasn't with her then, he couldn't help her then and she was a different person then. If the girl she is today met the girl she was 5 years ago, she would probably beat the fuck out of her. This is all part of life and all part of growing up. You learn from your mistakes and you take them and turn them into a positive. Dwelling on things in the past will ultimately eat you alive and destroy any chance you have at a relationship. I can't understand why it is so difficult for people to focus on a future TOGETHER as opposed to a past when they were both doing their own fucked up thing.

Even from my own personal experience, I can tell you the girl I am today, the very girl that writes this stupid blog would've kicked the SHIT out of the girl I was a year and a half ago when I was in the worst relationship of my life. The girl I am today NEVER would've allowed myself to be treated the way I was. It was extremely destructive and he made me forget who I was. He truly ripped me apart from the inside and killed my spirit. The worst part is I knew this the entire time we were together but for some reason I couldn't get out either. It was a tough lesson, and it was a very shitty lesson but none the less it was a lesson and now I know better. I know where and I never want to be again and I know exactly the type of person I never want to be with again.

Hooray for revelations.

Diamonds, candy pills, one million dollar bills, you can try but you can't buy me...

I ended up at Tangerine last night for the Girlicious afterparty last night, why I'm not too sure.... But that place has officially been added to the list of places I don't want to be. I was also at the Roadhouse on Sunday night and I can't remember what the appeal ever was. That place is chach city meets Skankville and the music sucks.

I'm extremely worried about one of my friends. He dwells on the past, on things he can't change. Instead of moving on he agonizes over things that have happened, and granted, they were tough things and nobody should ever have to deal with, but stressing about the past is not going to change it. I hope he knows I'm always here for him, I love you my friend.

I've recently met a pretty rad dude and I'm absolutely diggin his steez, I guess we'll wait and see.

Listen to White People by Handsome Boy Modeling School..... I forgot how amazing this album is.

I never felt this love from anyone....

I got tattooed again, this time on my wrists. There is no hiding that one from the moms and the pops... this isn't going to go well. But I love them and I shouldn't have to hide them. I hope that they realize that they've raised a good kid and a silly tattoo doesn't change who I am. I hope they understand that this is just an expression of who I am, this doesn't mean I'm a bad ass gang banger high off my ass all the time. It's funny how different the generations are. I wonder what I'm going to freak out on my kids about. Scarification? Perhaps.... I think it's sick but am I going to think less of my kids that I raised just because of that? Fuck no. Live life with an open mind. Be open to things that are different whether they are different people, different experiences, different beliefs, different anything. I think as long as you're not hurting anyone all is good. Maybe I'm just a selfish asshole? I'm not sure.

I had a wonderful time in Vegas. I could never live there though.

I saw Oasis tonight, I still love them after all these years. Straight business though, they get on and do their shit and get off. But still they've written some beautiful songs:
Let There Be Love
Sunday Morning Call
Song Bird
Don't Look Back In Anger
Stand By Me

Just to name a few....

I've been told by numerous people that I should become a life coach. I've never believed that I had the right to teach anyone how to live their lives. But, the more I think about it the more I think that I should do it. Although the reason is self serving..... I'm so tired of watching people treat each other like shit, I've bitched about it over and over again, so maybe this is how I can get out of my angry little rut.... If I teach people understanding and positivity maybe I can help make this a better world.... or maybe I'm just talking out of my ass again.

In other news.... I think I have a crush on a boy. SHHHH......don't tell anyone.

Bonafide hustler making my name...

I'm going to try hard to break bad habits. I've been told I have lost puppy syndrome. The crazier a guy is, or the more fucked up he is, it makes it harder for me to leave. I'm so busy trying to 'save' them that I end up a little more fucked up at the end of it all. Last night, a friend told me that I just need to date a regular guy. What is a regular guy though? That sounds boring to me, I'm not a regular girl so why would I settle for a regular guy. I need someone who is going to keep up with me if not surpass me in spontaneity at the least. But I need to find someone who is going to put in as much as I do. It's never a give and take with me. I always give and they always take, and nearly everyone I've dated will fully admit to this. Each time it makes it all a little harder for me though. I find myself needing a lot of time to myself as a result, so I don't get sucked into something that is only going to end in heartbreak. He's out there somewhere, luckily I'm in no rush.

I wanna do the things I wanna do, I won't do what you tell me to...

BREAK SHIT.
I have a lot of pent up energy at this moment, perhaps it is a result of my current state of frustration. There are a lot of things I want that I can't get, and I don't mean material things. I want to see some shit and do some shit and meet some good people that aren't complete pieces of shit. If you are a good person that isn't a complete piece of shit that likes doing stuff, send me a message.


Summer has gone by way too fast. I remember being a kid and spending my days playing with the neighbours. This summer has been spent working and going to summer school. I haven't done anything, I haven't gone to camping, I haven't gone out to Kal Lake with the boys (but I think jealous girlfriends may have had something to do with this), I haven't had a summer! But at least I'll be done school in December, this is going to be the best fucking season ever to ride!

I'm missing Oz and I'm missing some beautiful people there. I want last summer back! I love waking up with absolutely no agenda. Should I surf today? Maybe I'll go skydiving, or maybe I'll go scuba diving or maybe I'll walk around talking to random people and meet some of the raddest people ever.

Maybe I should start drinking again. But to be honest I'm having way more fun causing shit while I'm sober than causing shit while I'm a drunk mess. I think being a sober shit disturber is much more effective than being a drunk one.

I gave in and bought an iPhone. I'm so trendy.

Wolfmother and Be Your Own Pet have broken up. Why can't shitty bands like Nickelback and Three Days Grace break up? We are continually flooded by shit. BOYCOTT RADIO.

Sweet bee, show me what you're seeing....

My faith in the world has been restored.... well at least for the time being. I needed some time alone to remember all the wonderful things that this world has to offer. I was spending too much time in places I didn't want to be and with people who I didn't want to be with. I've kept a pretty low profile these past few weeks which is nice. I went to the observatory on Saturday night and it's an absolutely beautiful place. It's secluded and completely dark and away from the city and I could just sit and stare at the stars all night. Who knew one could find it so peaceful to sit and watch large burning balls of gas millions of light years away? It takes me back to about a year ago nearly to the date, I was on a sailboat in Australia called "Spank Me." I remember my first night on the boat, we docked somewhere in the middle of the ocean and I laid down on the front of the boat and stared at the stars for hours. I had never seen anything like it before, with no light pollution in the middle of the ocean I was able to see hundreds and hundreds of stars from the horizon up. I remember laying there, and there was about 20 other people on this sailboat getting as drunk as humanly possible and missing out on the beautiful, simple things our universe has to offer. Maybe I'm just getting older....

I JUST WANT TO SNOWBOARD!! Why won't that beautiful white stuff fall?

I'm ready to experience something new. Even though I love my job, once again, I'm hitting that point where day to day life is mundane, oh how I hate the routine. I've been told I'm always running away, but I disagree, what am I running away from? I'm not stressed, I'm not depressed, I don't really have any issues other than boredom. A girl at work said today that if I was anymore laid back and relaxed I'd probably be dead. I just want to get on a plane and go somewhere new. I want to go to India. I want to eat at all the sketchy (but delicious) street vendors, I want to see the Taj Mahal, I want to make some Indian friends, I want to hang out in Buddhist temples, I want to live life. Unfortunately in order to do these things you need money, and in order to get money I have to work my 8-5 job (which like I mentioned, I do love so it could be worse). Does anyone ever get out of this vicious circle??

I came across an ad the other day for a website called sugardaddies.com. SERIOUSLY. HEY BITCH, GET A FUCKING JOB! Work for what you have, take some fucking pride in it and have some freakin dignity! Unfortunately stupid gold diggers have always been around but now our society condones it. Way to go, you're a prostitute. And hey you dirty old man, are you so busy playing with your money that you don't know what it's like to truly love and care about someone that you have to buy a lady? Honestly, what is becoming of this world?

If you want to listen to some super relaxing tunes, I've been digging Devendra Banhart. Samba Vexillographica and Koreandogwood are beautiful songs.

Won't you love, love, love me already?

Why am I still thinking about him? It's been hours, days, weeks.... even months.....
I miss you.


Also, Partie Traumatic by Black Kids is an awesome album, GET IT.

There's a ghost in me, who wants to say I'm sorry.... it doesn't mean I'm sorry...

I'm still trying hard to understand this life, and it becomes a bit more of a struggle everyday. My views on society in a general have been negative lately. I'm not entirely sure what has caused this change in my thought process but I seem to be continually getting a little angrier and frustrated with the things I see and the people I meet. It's bringing out the bad in me, I seem to be starting shit with people left and right. If I see or hear something I don't like I'll call it out. I've been told I should stay out of the business of others because who the fuck am I to say what is right and what is wrong? But how am I benefitting society by keeping my mouth shut when I hear some dude calling his wife a stupid bitch, or if I see a mother beating the shit out of her child, or some stupid mother fucker calling someone a 'nigger?' I've heard that if you're not part of the solution you're part of the problem. So stand up for what's right.

If you're in a shitty relationship, GET OUT. I've heard it from a million people in the last month, how unhappy they are with their current boyfriend/girlfriend. I know it's easier said than done, but if you truly know in your heart that it isn't right, GET THE FUCK OUT. If you're stressed out about your current situation it means it isn't right, stress is a warning sign to your brain. I can't understand this fear of being alone. And yes, it is true, there are some nights when I wished I had someone, but learning from failed relationship after another, staying in a destructive partnership is only going to hurt more than being alone. Think about it this way, you don't have to fight anyone for the covers, you can stretch out when you wake up first thing in the morning, if you feel like getting in the car and driving across the country you don't need anybody's permission, you won't feel guilty about spending $500 on an XBox and all the neccessary accessories (you know what I'm talking about), you can watch He-Man or Rad before you go to bed and there is nobody to fight you for the remote. Singledom is not that bad, embrace it! BUT, if you are in a loving relationship I commend you because it's tough.

Routine is boring. Fight boredom.

I saw the Dark Knight today, Christian Bale is surprisingly hunky.

Songs to check out:
Ghosts by Ladytron
I'm Not Gonna Teach Your Boyfriend How to Dance With You by Black Kids
Lolita by Throw Me the Statue
Sexy Results by Death From Above 1979
GfC by Albert Hammond Jr.

I can't seem to leave a mark on you, but you cut me deep....

There are so many things that I can't understand when they seem so simple.

Good news, Stampede is OVER for another year. That's a happy thought. However, I loved the Bell Rodeo X, Lance Mosley is one hot man, he looks good on a BMX.... very good.

So I've been relatively angry this week. I hate the Stampede because people are complete fucking assholes during these 10 days. Just because you put on a fucking cowboy hat and a pair of cowboy boots, it does not excuse you from your actions. You are still NOT a cowboy/cowgirl, you just look the part. It is still not ok to drink and drive and it is still not ok to have unprotected sex and it is still not ok to start random fights with people. All this shit seems to happen in excess during these 10 days though. Here's an idea for Stampede 2009, don't be such an asshole.

I also hate the Stampede because every bar is lined up for 10 blocks and it costs $30 to get in anywhere. FUCK THAT.

However, on Saturday night there was one empty bar in the whole city. That bar was Seven. Once again I had a very negative experience there. As usual, I'm wearing a hoodie and I decided I wanted to be Corey Hart so I wore my sunglasses at night. Upon trying to enter Seven, they looked at us and said 'if you're not 25 you're not coming in.' But then they changed their mind and said we could come in, however I had to take off my sunglasses and take off my hoodie and my friends had to take off their hats. Now isn't that a giant load of shit? How does some asshole bouncer get to tell me how I should dress? Seven clearly did not want out business, so why the fuck should we give it to them? I left. I am not going to be in a bar where they tell you what you can and cannot wear, where they act as though you are not good enough to be in the presence of their guests with money (or give the appearance that they have money). They try to market themselves as a "corporate bar." What the fuck does that mean? For all those assholes know I could be a business owner raking in a million dollars a year, but just because I'm not dressed like a complete money grubbing asshole I guess they would never assume that. It is places like Seven that furthur seperate the classes and try to make people feel inferior. Shouldn't we all be kicking it and hanging out together? It is places like that that make guys in suits feel think they're better than the blue collar worker or skate punk or whatever and it's those blue collar workers and skate punks that want to beat the shit out of those guys in suits. Why can't we all just party together? Some days I wish I had a pile of money so I could buy that place and either shut it down or open it up to anyone and everyone, or option 3 is to open a new bar and not let any "corporate types" in but that wouldn't make me any better than they are now would it? It is considered wrong in our society to discriminate based on age, sex or race but why is it ok to discriminate based on income?

I'm also still trying to figure out this crazy little thing called love. I'm still looking for that someone who is worthwhile. Isn't it amazing how love can make you feel on top of the world and it can hurt you so bad that you cry until your eyes get so puffy that you can't see anymore and your heart feels like it's going to explode and you feel like you could puke for days? Someone please explain to me how I got off the track because I'm not feeling good enough these days. People it's true! I sometimes get insecure, though rare, it does happen.

I'm also diggin the new Matt Mays & El Torpedo album "Terminal Romance." Check it out!

There's a hole in my chest...

Hey Everyone!
I've made the switch. If you want to read my previous twisted thoughts, you can get them at http://www.myspace.com/jennyshithead
But this is now a new era. Hello Blogger.

Here are some recent thoughts to mine....I am hurt, I am angry and I am frustrated. I'm feeling everything that I never want to feel. I suppose that is what makes us human though. The bad feelings will always come with the good. Life isn't gravy all the time and that is something I need to understand.

I hate putting my trust in someone and having them throw it back in my face. So does that mean I should stop trusting people? In my 23 and a half years on this earth I have strived to become the person I am today. I am happy with who I am, but at the same time, all these qualities that I worked so hard at obtaining seem to constantly backfire. Being honest with people seems to cause more trouble than good. In order to live a conflict free life are we supposed to lie to ourselves and those around us to keep the peace? I would hope the answer is no but through my experiences it appears as though the answer is yes. I have a pretty fantastic life and I would say I'm happy 98% of the time, but whenever I have a setback it seems to set me back days, weeks, months or even years. I end up back in the spot that I strived so hard to get out of, that spot where I question my actions and emotions.In my head I know I'm being ridiculous, but in my heart all I feel is this terrible, sad feeling. I don't mean to be all emo, but I can't stop it. I'm still trying to make sense of everything, and I suppose that this again is another learning experience that I will take and turn into a positive in the future.

I am thankful for all the wonderful friends I have, especially that silly wombat fucker on the other side of the world. I love you!